Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum, Bum, Daa Daa Daa Daa Daa Daa Daa



Often a champion of lost causes, Blasco dedicated a goodly portion of his life to mentoring and providing educational and vocational support for a group who are often ostracised from society and left as carrion. Chronic masturbators were a pet concern for M. Leducx as they would have comprised of a large proportion of his audience. He also believed that the nigh transcendental states achieved by the committed onanist were both a blessing and a curse. In these euphoria the mind could absorb scads of information and opinions making them an ideal moment for learning or creative appreciation. However the faculties to process this information would be askew making it possible for unsavoury messages to be parasitically absorbed.

In order to accentuate the positive Blasco made tireless research forays into the habitats and occupations of the manustuprarians from oil rigs to crane control boxes to prompt corners to Lincolnshire ice cream vans. His ersatz enquiries inspired him to begin publishing his own solipsistic periodical entitled "Dagenham". This magazine would go on to receive plaudits in the umbra of institutional science for its policy of peppering its more standard content with vignettes from literature as well as rigidly abandoning any epithets that may taint the absorbed content. Studies concluded that the habitual user of this material gained an average of 5% in their cognitive abilities, 23% increase in vocabulary and were capable of deconstructing and appreciating some of the most opaque works of art, literature and theatre in existence. A special episode of University Challenge was produced with a team of these Super Onanists. They lost terribly but many believe that this was simply because they were very slow getting on their buzzers.

The above is a sketch from Blasco's interpretation of Hamlet for Dagenham magazine's Danish special where the previously featured MasturBacon first inveigled itself upon the public conscience. The feature was such a success that he went on to cover the entire works of Shakespeare. You have been warned.

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